Chapter 2 – House of cards

Everything about Brian Krakow has always felt safe. Familiar. Even his hair smells like home and plaid.

There’s nothing more comforting than knowing that someone loves you enough to never let go. Unconditionally. As if you were flawless… or from a different world and they were not worthy of you or something. It makes you feel… almost magical.

And, even though you are not that person, at one point you sort of believe that you are. You believe that you are more than you thought you were and that you can be things you didn’t think you could ever be… because this other person believes in you. Because they see something else when they look at you. Something you can’t see in your mirror.

And that’s why you fall in love with them. Or maybe with the version of you that you become when this person is there. Whatever it is, it is love. A type of love… anyway.

My love for Brian Krakow and the reason why I said yes to him 10 years ago is deeply engaged to the idea that he’ll never go. And that he’ll always see me as something so perfect I can barely relate to.

And that’s why last night, when he told me that he needed time to think about us, it felt like a tornado devastating with no mercy a house made of cards… tearing every last reason I ever had to love him at the same time.

“Do you want to fight for us? – He asked me. And I hesitated. Because at that split second I didn’t know for sure If I had ever loved Brian Krakow for him… or if I actually only loved him for me.